Six years can seem like a lifetime and other times it can seem like it was just a blink of an eye. Through various hills and valleys we've encountered these past six years, looking back seems like so long ago. I say this because six years ago today we were given Ben's official diagnosis of Autism.
Thinking back to that day, I can't tell you what the doctor said initially or even what I felt at that moment, what I do remember is my conversation with Phil as we headed back to the car and our thoughts at that very moment. I remember thinking..."Nothings changed...he's still my little boy." For Phil, it was a very different moment. I know he still loved Ben, but I know his world in some small way was shattered. Lost moments, achievements, milestones, and moments he believed would never happen. The life he dreamed of between himself and his son would cease to exist and connections lost. Honestly, for myself, I went into "Mama-bear" mode, or so I like to call it...only thinking of what needed to be done. Thoughts of the future did not come to the forefront of my mind. Call it naivete or what you will...I lived in the here and now and wanted to deal with that head-on. School, therapies, books...the tangible part that I could maneuver and set in motion. Too much too quickly can overwhelm you and basically make you feel incredibly hopeless, which I have been known to do. So this feeling after Ben's diagnosis was new to me and incredibly empowering.
I honestly wish I could write down every single thing I have learned over the course of these six short years, but I don't think I could find the right words to so eloquently describe our journey. What I guess I can tell you is how incredibly lucky I am to have him. At times, I think I must be crazy...and I'm sure people think I take one too many crazy pills when I say...I think his Autism is not only one of our greatest challenges, it has become one of our blessings. While no...I do not enjoy watching our son struggle with his disability or the ability to speak and communicate his needs because he can not, struggle with sensory integration between his environment and himself, understand present danger or even have the social ability to make and keep friends, deal with ADHD and his constant superhuman strength, and more than anything his OCD and the obsession he has of putting everything into his mouth as if he were an infant. We struggle daily with various things in his environment and deal with each one of these hurdles as they come. But while we struggle, we have also been blessed.
While I have had my moments of frustration and anger, one thing has made this journey easier and overall hopeful. Having the Gospel of Jesus Christ. As a church-goer all my life, I was taught basic principles of the Gospel from my parents. Went to church, heard the lessons, and participated in Youth programs. Life was simple and overall pretty normal. The beauty was of course that something had to give and I was going to have my moment. Or better yet, years. And we are still living it. Receiving Ben's diagnosis could have been a devastating moment in my life...but as life became more difficult and trying, I turned to my faith and my Savior and realized I had an opportunity. I had the chance to do something here. How was I going to handle this situation? When life gets hard and a few more curve balls came, what was I going to do? Make excuses? Justify my actions because I thought it was unfair? Six years was long and hard. Each and every day a testament to what I believed. Who was I? And what can I do?
Our six years are incredibly humbling to me. While Autism can suck on soooo many levels...and oh it does suck from time-to-time. I would not change one thing. Why? Why not live a life free from sickness? Free from pain? Free from the overwhelming struggle? I know...people are thinking, "She's insane...that's her problem. What person in their right mind likes things to be hard or see her family struggle?!" And maybe people even think I'm selfish...but I see so much more than that life is hard. Dealing with hard things can be so much more than what you think. I'm lucky enough that I had a father who struggled with some pretty crappy 'life cards', but inevitably showed us that those cards don't make a man or woman...we each have the ability to come out on top. And do something good with our lives...no matter our circumstance.
And just let me tell you--we are so much more than we were six years ago. What a beautifully, difficult, awesome, and tumultuous life! We are so much better and maybe the saddest part of it all is that I have our struggle to thank or that...or better yet, my Heavenly Father. Who believes in me and believes in each of us..that allows me to struggle in this life because He knows I can and will overcome it. I know another part of it is that it allows me to be humble and come to my Heavenly Father, because I need Him. I need the Atonement and it's all encompassing love. I know that for a fact, I don't see Autism as a crippling disability. It is a way for me to feel the love of Christ, to learn to love as he does. I feel a greater love for those around me and how we are all brothers and sisters in this life. To love them and see them as my Father in Heaven sees them. I can see now, how he works through us. How He allows us to suffer, even when I am sure it pains Him to watch His children do so...in order to be refined and better than we once were. I see now just why it's so important to allow things to hurt us, to break us, to make us work harder than we ever thought. It is the only way I have truly seen the beauty in this life. As I have allowed my struggles and sometimes difficult moments to work through me..I see how more forgiving and patient I am. And even when I think I'm probably the saddest excuse for a mother, I know that overall I'm a better mother and person because of life's struggles. Having things easy doesn't allow us to grow, become stronger, and gain conviction of one's self. I've always heard the saying, "Nothing good in this life is ever easy"...and truly it doesn't. Good and beautiful things take time.
Our life with Ben these past six years has been enlightening and inspiring. And really, six years is only the cusp of our life with him and the struggles we most definitely will face. And while not every moment is laced with sweet perfection and ease...our lives have deeper meaning and connection because we fight and live for it every day. Sometimes I have to remind myself that while we are here helping Ben in this life, to communicate, to acquire self-help skills, and social skills...he's giving us so much more.
